All the way!

If I could use single words to describe where I'm at right now it would be "broken" and "weak." To be honest that's the nearest words I can think of right now. It isn't a place that i can say i'm enjoying or happy to be in but one thing I know is the Father heart of God and His love is always for my highest good. It is for good because He is good!

I'm pretty sure the wrestling ended awhile back but i tried to fight what i knew in my heart was truth but my mind could not make sense of it because with eyes through the lenses of past hurts or pain...it doesn't make sense to me... So I will take you on my journey to embrassing a truth that kept me moving forward when it comes to people and relationships.

One memory that came back to me is the time me and a bunch of people I worked with was around a table one morning and was discussing this book, Foreign to Familiar. Its a cross cultural book, on understanding hot and cold climate people, western and eastern culture, etc. One comment made struck me hard that morning, i wish i could reiterate it word for word but for the life of me can't right now. What I remember though was where I was at and I was at the end of myself, if i was asked to give anymore- I don't know what I would do. There wasn't anything left for me to give. So i broke down into tears when what I understood was said ran through my mind and right to my heart..."WHAT? people aren't gonna meet me half way? that's not fair! I have to give of myself all the time, die to myself all the time while the person may not possibly meet me." Realizing that was exactly what i was feeling. that was about 2 or 3 years ago.

Where am I at with that? I was wrestling because i didn't want to hurt anymore. so more questions came - Is it always going to be this hard? In all honesty, i was pretty much over it and more questions came. Am I going to be giving all the way all the time? I am so over giving all the way. Did You "Jesus" give of yourself all the way all the time? This was me processing out loud and in my honesty, God met me. He took me back to the cross. Me still processing outloud. Jesus went on the cross. He went all the way. He did not talk back, He did not demand forgiveness, He did not defend Himself, He took the mocking, the hurling insults, He was beaten, got a crown of thorns placed on His head, brutally beaten to where His body was marred, He carried that cross and it wasn't even His to carry, He was nailed on it, and hung there until His very last breath. He went All the way and He never stopped going all the way. In His love and obedience to the Father and His love for people He went all the way. And people don't meet Him half way all the time, all the time people turn their backs on Him, and knowing this...He still went all the way. It doesn't make sense when I try to wrap my head around it.

But if He didn't, I wouldn't be where I am today. He went all the way for me and I am sure that when He went all the way and offered it to me the first time I didn't meet Him half way but he kept on coming. He kept on coming and kept on coming til I came running to Him. I've only experienced a scratch of what Jesus gets daily...the least I can do is walk the way Jesus walked and even that He enables me to do."

As hard as it is and yeah it hurts...I've finally come to embrace that All the way is the way to go. Its not going to be easy, Jesus never said it would be but He did promise to be with me always!

Father I love You! Thank you for Jesus and The cross. Help me remember Jesus and the cross when its hard for me to give love and live love All the way with people! I either believe the Bible is True or Not, Jesus is Truth or Not, The way He lived and died and live again is truth or not. His teachings is true or not. I believe...Jesus I believe! Thank you for the grace to be able to continue to go all the way even when it hurts! I love You!!! In Jesus Name. Amen.